I was in a conversation with one of my married friends the other day. She has a year on me, we’ve only be at this for two months. In those two months I have heard the following question most frequently: “Are things any different now that you are married?” I have answered it an honest “no” every time. Really, nothing has changed. We have been living together for 3.5 of our 4 years of dating; we are on a mortgage together, for Christ’s sake. Really nothing had changed. You may question weather that is a good thing, Im sure someone’s mother would (probably not my own).

Anyway, nothing’s changed, that’s my story. But then I felt maybe something did. Ive been thinking about this for weeks, and as sick as it is, I think ive figured it out. I’m pretty good at dating. Boyfriends have always come very easily to me. But I’ve never been married, and in my family everyone that gets married gets divorced. There are very few exceptions to that rule. I feel scared to death that (for some deep-rooted, evidence of the effect divorce has on children reason) now that he has to be here, he won’t want to be. I have felt more paranoid in these two months than I ever have before. Recognizing this has done a lot to make me less fucking crazy, but it’s interesting what goes on in your head and in your heart. Sometimes I wonder how much control we have at all.